based off of the song "what sarah said" by death cab for cutie trigger warning (?) "and it came to me then that every plan is a prayer to father time," i twiddled my thumbs anxiously in the worn out waiting room chair, my eyes glued to the yellowing tiles on the floor. my head was starting to hurt from all the beeping surrounding me, the whispering filling my ears and my mind racing. everything and everyone was a mess. "as i stared at my shoes in the icu that reaked of piss and 409," the all too familiar chemical smell lurked in the air, the anxiety inside of me growing with each inhale. i knew what those chemicals were used for, how they were used, and how they rarely did anything. they only caused more pain. "and i rationed my breaths as i said to myself that id already taken too much today," my breathing sped up suddenly as i finally realized what was happening. they were dying, and there was nothing i could do about it. i brought my hands up to my hair, tears filling my eyes as i ran my fingers through my hair. "as each descending peak on the lcd took you a little farther away from me," i could hear that each beep that came from their room was getting farther and farther apart, the time in between killing me inside. each second of silence signaled each second closer to losing you, and i wasnt ready to lose you. i dont know if i ever will be ready to lose you. "amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye," everyone surrounding me attempted to cheer me up, although we all knew what was going to happen. everyone was pointing out the little things, how they liked that certain wallpaper or how that one magazine talked about an old event. but i hated it, because there was that unspoken statement that everyone could feel, but no one acknowledged it. "it stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds," 'remember that one time,' they said, laughing at old memories we all shared. they had brought an old camera and have been looking through pictures of the two of us, videos that captured our best moments. i could hear your voice, and it stung me like a million bees all at once. all the memories we shared, youll all be gone. the way you laughed, the way you smiled, everything. all gone. "but i knew that you were a truth i would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all," this pain in my chest kept on spreading, memories of the two of us filling my mind. me holding your hand as you rambled on and on, that silly grin filling your face. i never want to lose these memories, i never want to lose you, i never want to lose us. "and i looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the tv entertained itself," by now, everyone was silent. we had all learned to accept what had happened, and that you were gone already. we had been told that there was a low survival rate, and the moment we saw the doctors face, we knew we were gonna lose you. but i didnt want to, not yet at least. "cause theres no comfort in the waiting room, just nervous pacers bracing for bad news," i shifted myself in the chair, my headache stronger than other. i was a mess, tears streaming down my face and choked sobs leaving my mouth. by now, i wasnt even embarrassed anymore. i just dont want to lose you. "and then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads," i heard the door close softly, and everyone in the waiting room heard it as well. we could see the nurse walking down, their head hanging low. we knew what had happened, and i was done. i couldnt do this anymore, you cant be gone yet. after everything, you cant leave me. you promised. "but im thinking of what sarah said; love is watching someone die." i love you so much, and no matter how far apart we are, ill never forget the memories we shared. you are my world, and even though your gone, i still love you. never will i never not love you, its impossible. you have kept me strong for so long, and i think ive hit the breaking point. i love you so much, and words cant even start to explain it. youre gone, but i still love you. and i always will. "so who's going to watch you die?"
